My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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