I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
