she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
