I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
