period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
