I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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