lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
