In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize