If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
