My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
