dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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