Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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