At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he shaved USA in his pubs
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
