dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
