Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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