I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You know, be my cock's hype man.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
