grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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