Small penises have feelings too.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
