masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize