you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I could fuck to npr.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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