If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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