I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
there is puke in my bra ... again
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