Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
