Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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