im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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