i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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