sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
