i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
