I've blown a few things in my day
Michael Bay diarrhea
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
