My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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