sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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