I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
