Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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