I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize