i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize