My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
