It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
