We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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