You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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