My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
