i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
