piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Randomize
