That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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