Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize