how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
If I die, sorry about rent.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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