did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
