I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
