I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize