When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
