Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
