We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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