Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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