Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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