i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
