Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
