what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
