I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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