He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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