So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He passed out mid-signature
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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