This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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